Collaborative Divorce is Not Kumbaya: Navigating Realities with Honesty and Resolve
By: Britney Penaherrera, Esq.
Divorce is often depicted as a battlefield, where each party fights for their share of assets, timesharing of children, and what’s “fair.” In response to this adversarial model, collaborative divorce has emerged as a gentler, more cooperative alternative. But make no mistake: collaborative divorce is not an easy Kumbaya around a campfire. It’s a structured process that requires honesty, determination, and a commitment to finding common ground amidst turmoil.
Dispelling the Myth
Collaborative divorce is sometimes misunderstood as a touchy-feely, overly optimistic approach to an inherently painful situation. The reality can be quite different. Yes, it emphasizes cooperation and communication, but it’s not about sweeping conflicts under the rug or avoiding difficult conversations. Rather, it’s about facing those challenges head-on, with the assistance of trained professionals who guide the process toward resolution.
Acknowledging the Complexity
Divorce is complex, emotionally charged, and often messy. Collaborative divorce acknowledges this complexity while offering a framework for navigating it constructively. It recognizes that each party has their own needs, interests, and concerns, and aims to address them in a way that fosters mutual respect and understanding.
Embracing Transparency
One of the key principles of collaborative divorce is transparency. This means being upfront and honest about your goals, priorities, and concerns. It also means being open to hearing the other party’s perspective, even when it’s difficult to do so. Transparency lays the foundation for trust and allows both parties to work together toward a resolution that meets their needs.
Fostering Communication
Effective communication is essential in collaborative divorce. This includes not only communicating with your ex-spouse but also with the professionals involved in the process, such as lawyers, mental health professionals, and financial advisors. By keeping the lines of communication open and respectful, parties can address conflicts as they arise and work together to find solutions. It is essential that clients trust their professional collaborative team to guide them through the shoals of past conflicts.
Putting Children First
For couples with children, collaborative divorce places a strong emphasis on co-parenting and minimizing the impact of divorce on the children involved. This means putting the needs of the children first and working together to create a parenting plan that prioritizes their well-being. It also means fostering a cooperative relationship between parents, even after the divorce is finalized. The collaborative process helps parents create a framework for future new lines of communication.
Overcoming Challenges
Collaborative divorce is not without its challenges. It requires both parties to put their differences behind them and approach the process with a willingness to compromise. It also requires patience, as reaching a resolution can take time and effort. However, by staying committed to the process and remaining focused on the end goal, couples can overcome these challenges and emerge with a mutually acceptable agreement. Keep in mind that this is divorce, and no one “likes” their final agreement. However, this process allows parties to maintain some sort of control on the outcome versus gambling it with a judge.
Common Criticism
Even if parties are separating that does not mean they cannot do so respectfully and with integrity. Most parties prematurely fail to believe that their divorce could ever be handled with such civility. After all, if the parties could communicate openly, honestly, and embody the spirit of compromise, they probably wouldn’t need a divorce in the first place. Choosing collaborative divorce prioritizes the importance of mitigating further destruction. In most cases, this is especially important when a co-parenting relationship needs to be preserved long after the marriage has ended.
Conclusion
Collaborative divorce is not Kumbaya. It’s a pragmatic, solution-focused approach to divorce that recognizes the complexities and challenges involved. By embracing transparency, fostering communication, and putting the needs of children first, couples can navigate the process with honesty and resolve. While collaborative divorce may not be easy, it offers a path toward a more amicable resolution and a brighter future for all involved. Trust the process!
Britney Penaherrera is a family law attorney and Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Law Mediator. She is a 2023-2024 fellow of the Florida Academy of Collaborative Professionals Leadership Institute.